Today was my momm's visitation at the funeral home. I tried to remember all of the lessons my mom taught me about me about being a gracious hostess. I think I did alright in that regard. At least that's what I'm hoping. Those were two of the most difficult hours in my life.
My sister and I made a photo collage of different pictures we had of Momma, including a baby picture of her and some pics of her when she was 10 years old. My mom's family had always told me that I looked just like her but it wasn't until my sister put a picture of me at 10 and picture of Mom at 10 side by side that I could actually see it for myself. All day today people told me I looked just like my Momma and everytime I heard that said I graciously thanked the person for the compliment and cried my soul out.. at least on the inside. For some reason I feel like I can't really cry around my family the big soul rending sobs that are trapped inside of me. I can do it when I'm alone, but I'm just so afraid that if I crack around my family I might not be able to pull it all together. This whole experience has aged me so much... not to mention I've now taken over my Mom's job within the family. I'm now the person that goes up to people and greets them warmly and kindly thank them for their visit with us. I'm also the one that makes the peace within the family now. My Daddy and sister don't really get along that well for a multitude of reasons, and most of them are Dad's fault. However, it's now my job to try to make as much peace between them as I can before I leave here and to prepare her new fiance on how to handle these situations when I'm not here to diffuse them. He's certainly going to have a rough time ahead of him there.
Tomorrow we have to bury Momma and I don't think I'm going to be able to deal with that. I know I'm going to fall apart and not make it through with the strength I'm going to need.
Can't type anymore... crying too hard... and too numb inside to think anymore. I'm sure I'll have more later... like how my sister and I sang to mom before we left the visitation, and how we're going to sing her into the ground tomorrow.
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now am found
Was blind, but now I see.
Oh... I just re-read my last post and noticed that I had talked about how proud my mom was going to be that I was going to start college in January. I never got to tell her about it. I had planned on waiting until I got my first graded paper back and i was going to wait to send it to her so I could surprise her with it. She never knew about it. By the time I got back home to Virginia she was already in a coma and she never woke up. I'm just grateful that the last thing I ever got to say to her was I love you Momma. I miss her so much. I wasn't ready for her to leave me yet. I'm not old enough to be dealing with this. I'm only 27 and my sister is only almost 20. My sister and I firmly believe that the only reason she lived as long as she did was because she wanted to make sure that we both had someone in our lives that was going to be there for us and help take care of us after she was gone. My sister had just got engaged about 2 weeks before Momma had the heart attack that took her from us.
more later
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