This started as a reply to a post on my blog entry titled "Pardon my Freudian Slip." However, it ended up being really long and semi-obsessive and more or less fairly interesting to talk about, so I thought I would go ahead and post it up. I'll be blogging again later tonight most likely to talk about general life stuff, but this had to get posted soon, so here you go. Make of it what you will.
I haven't really got a chance to talk to him since he was over here on Saturday night. We chit chatted for a few minutes on Sunday, but otherwise not a whole lot to report. I'm glad for the advice definately. That was about the only thing I could come up with on my own, but if two people think it, then maybe it's not such a bad idea afterall. I guess the worst part at this point is that I don't know what I *want* to happen. Do I want him to have it meant it in the "gee, I'm starting to think about a future with this person?" kind of way or do I want it to be a "oops! I just accidently refered to the person that had their head in their lap versus a vague whatever that may or may not ever exist?" I don't know what I'm hoping for in this situation.
At work today, which was uber hell like for some reason - normally it's usually quite enjoyable and not that bad at all. It just sucked today for some reason. But, I'm digressing again. Whilst in the midst of all this hell and chaos I got to thinking about Geek as a way to escape. It's a kind of becoming like a tooth ache at this point, an ever present annoying ache that you can't ever quite ignore - or stop poking at, even though you know it's going to hurt. I got to thinking about patchouli and all of these good and shiney things about Geek. I got to thinking about a lot and I decided that part of his attraction is that he's the kind of guy that your Momma always wanted you to find. He's kind, sweet, funny, generous, gracious. He comes from a respectable family, he is attractive. He has a good relationship with his parents/siblings, he's spiritual and religious - without being overzealous or narrow-minded. He enjoys many of the same activities as you do, but challenges you to broaden your horizions just the same. There are other, more superficial attractions too - like when your Momma always joked that you should marry money and all that nonsense, but it still leaves an imprint. He is, quite possibly, one of the few really almost perfect guys that we've been primed to search for all of our lives. Which starts to make me wonder, and remember, and question a whole lot of my thoughts towards this.
I'm starting to remember Freddie.
This isn't all together too pleasant of a task. There are a lot of emotions that are still buried with the whole subject of him, but again... it's one of those toothaches again. I remember first meeting Freddie around 8 years ago now. It's hard to believe that some stories can be so long in the making for someone as young as I am. But that's just the way of it sometimes I suppose. I met this guy, who was coincidently enough, from the same Midwestern State that's obsessed with Basketball that I'm now a current resident of. We became almost instant best friends because we immediately just *knew* each other. Odds were that if one was us was saying it, the other one had just been thinking it. We could have entires worlds of conversations in just 20 words or so. It was because we knew. There's just no other way to say it, sorry for the vague descriptors. I was in a really horrible relationship (The Ex from Hell - the one that I was *still* with when I met F 6 years later.) I guess it was just a matter of time before I started to fall in love with him. However, I was always faithful to The Ex from Hell, despite of how much it cost me in the end. I had this deep and fiery love for another than my formerly intended, and I let it burn deep inside, hidden away from the prying eyes of the world for over two years. We had quarrled over something that was really a huge matter of male ego and pride, and before we could reconcile he got stationed in Korea, and he never told me about it. He just left without saying a word. A few months into the fight, I finally got over my anger and stupidity and tried to call his office. I found out he was no longer in the country. It hurt me so much that a man that had been so close to me could be on the other side of the world in some really dangerous situation and I hadn't known about it. I felt so guilty about the months of silence, that I began to search for a way to find him every day. There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't think about him. I started to write him letters about life and everything, never knowing if I would be able to send them. It became a running journal of my life, and it wasn't long before I started pouring out into these letters everything I thought about him, about our fight, about how much I missed him... and not too much longer until I started to talk about how much I loved him. I can remember now some of the things I said, and how foolish it all sounds. I remember so much, and wonder how much any of it means anymore. I finally found a way to contact him thru a mutual friend, and I bound up all of the letters and all of the random things I had to send him, and mailed the whole thing on a wing and a prayer to what I hoped was really his address in South Korea. Turns out the address was the right one and he got the whole package. He read the whole letter I think and whatever he truly felt, he decided to give me a call, for reasons that I may never know. We talked about so many things, about so many changes that had happened in the almost year that we had been apart. We got to talk about life, the universe, everything. The only thing he ever said to me in response to all of the emotional underpinings that had constructed those letters was "No." That's all he could ever say about it, and I will never know why. For whatever reason, we had changed as people in that one phone call. The old friendship was there, but it wasn't as sturdy or deep. There was a toothache there that neither one of us wanted to probe, and I don't know why. He never would say a damned word about any of it. But then again, neither would I. We drifted apart greatly and ultimately, after a few fights, we lost contact. We briefly regained contact after 9/11, but in the new world that existed, we no longer saw eye to eye about a good many of things. I haven't heard a word from him since.
Now that I've filled you in on the saga of Freddie, now I can talk about some similarities. I'm wondering if I'm starting to get the old Two Year Itch going on in my life. In my previous relationship, it was at 2 years that I fell in love with Freddie, 4 years at which time I left him for a few weeks and resolved the Freddie saga to its current point, and at 6 years when I met F, fell in love and ultimately ended my relationship with The Ex from Hell. Now I'm at 2 years with F and I'm starting to wonder just how much of my life runs in cycles. Do I have to keep repeating the same cycle over and over again until I figure it all out or what? How much of this life is already doomed to this repetition? Or from it I really should say.
I'm also wondering about some of the similiarities between Freddie and F. They are both from the same state, have similar builds and coloring. Similar features, similar lives. A lot of really strange similarities that I'm just now starting to recognize. I'm wondering now if F just matched a preconcieved model I had in my head, a ready blue print to follow and then, after the novelty wore off, I discovered that he was nothing like I thought he was. That he wasn't this Semi-Instant Prince Charming, guaranteed to solve all of my life's problems and provide me with complete joy and contentment. He's just F. A perfectly wonderful, perfectly problematic guy. Maybe that's part of some of the the problems. I'm not sure yet. This is a novel thought occurance and I haven't had time to analyze it appropriately yet.
Now that the bloom is off the rose a bit that I'm starting to follow a cycle again. Like it's my mind/body/soul whatever saying ok you didn't learn last time you had the opportunity, now you've got to start over again. Except I still don't know where I've gone wrong this time. Or, if I'm just jumping at shadows again.
Or is Geek a bigger part of this than I'm thinking? Do I secretly want him to be in love with me so that I can feel wanted and needed? Do I want him to be in love with me so I can fulfill this two year cycle? Do I want him to be just a friend so I can get this relationship on track? Or, the scariest of all, do I really want him to be secretly half in love with me cause I want to be in love with him? Is he another attempt at a magical Semi-Instant Prince Charming, or is he the real deal? That's a lot of questions about just one little slip of the lips. I'm not even sure what direction to take this all in now, or even how to deal with any of the ramifications of it all.