Oh, sorry I thought I had covered up my Nietzsche Knickers!
One of life's little random quirks - the human need for communication. It always feels like there is this overwhelming compulsion to constantly talk or express ourselves in some way. Blogs are one of the ways that we satisfy that urge. It seems like I always have this constant dialouge in my head. Sometimes it's a narration of my day, i.e. I'm thinking about what I have to do at work, or what I'm going to say in a post or something like that. Other times it's far more reflective, i.e. when I get to thinking about things that have happened, or what I am feeling about a particular situation. All day today I've had this thought stuck in my head, just kind of beating it's own little tattoo into my skull - waiting for an opportunity to get out, never relenting, constantly beating, reminding and lurking. I guess I should go back to the beginning to make all of this make sense.
Friday night was D&D night at our house. It's the standard game with a standard group that pretty much always follows the same patterns and such. It's predictable and quite enjoyable. For some reason though, Friday didn't quite go as planned for some parts. Ogre showed up fairly early and F and I ended up hanging out with him. After a while I got to be a bit bored as they were playing video games and such and I can't play right now cause of some tendenitis... which totally sucks by the way. I decided for no particular reason to go online. It was kind of late and so I figured that no one would really be online. Maybe I was going to play on Neopets or something. I can't quite figure it out, but no sooner have I logged on then I see that Geek is online. I was quite happy to see him seeing as I haven't really had a chance to talk to him. He's been uber-busy with term papers and studying for finals and I've not been online a whole lot because of the aforementioned tendenitis. Turns out he was drunk, which isn't atypical on a Friday night for a college student, and he was feeling quite chatty. Like I said, it wasn't a typical night. Out of the clear blue he asked me if I had any plans for Saturday and I said other than work I didn't think so. He said that he really wanted to hang out with me as he missed his Bear cuddle time. I thought that was quite possibly one of the cutest things he's ever said to me. Then he sent me a couple of hearts and I just was kind of floored, but I put it out of my mind fairly quickly. I didn't know what time I was going to get off from work and was talking to him about it when he said that he would kidnap me if he had to as he was really wanting the cuddles. I laughed and we chatted some more and then it was time for D&D.
I went to work Saturday and was told that I was going home at 5, which worked out excellently for my plans with Geek. Work was kind of boring seeing as I'm in a splint, so time passed slowly.. but it went even slower cause I was excited about getting to hang out with Geek. I wanted to know if he had heard about his interview and I knew that it was possible that this could be the last time that I get to see him before school starts back up again in August. I already know I'm probably going to miss him a bit, but that's another story. I got home from work and signed online and he was there. We chatted for a few minutes and then I took a shower cause I'm sure that I smelled like fried food products and then he came over. From the very beginning he was very huggy, snuggly and cuddly. It felt good. I found out that he didn't get selected for his internship, which sucks for him but ultimately that's life unfortunately. We ended up hugging quite a few times and decided just to chill at my place, even though he's uber-allergic to my house full of cats, and watched a movie. We were watching Blade Trinity and having a good time. Occasionally we'd hold hands, or other times we'd snuggle. I laid my head in his lap and he played with my hair and my neck.. he even groped a little, which surprised me with his boldness to be a little honest. This is where is all kind of changed though, at least on the internal dialouge and the whole memory thing. We were watching this scene where Whister is walking around to different computers, imputing a code that will cause them to blow up. He said "It makes me happy to see this. This is something that I would want in my house someday. However, knowing my luck the dog would accidently set it off or something like that and then you would come home and I mean someone would come home and see the house is a charred disaster." He immediately kind of cleared his throat and just started petting me again. I could find the words to say a thing. All I could think was wow... what a Freudian slip! I'm sure it didn't mean anything, and even if it did I so couldn't ever say anything about it. It just kind of made me go wow. A lot. About 30 minutes later, we were both sitting up on the couch, being really cutesy but still not having kissed or anything. I heard a sound coming from the doorway and it turns out that F was home. It was only kind of akward cause they had not met yet... that and just before F walked in the door I had been about to kiss Geek. It was pleasant and we all chatted for a while and Geek made his excuses and left seeing as F wasn't really feeling well, which is why he was home so early.
Ever since Geek went home I've been trying to figure out if that slip meant something or not. I've been running it down in my head and I can't get my head to wrap around it. I don't know if it means something or not - or whether I want it to mean something or not. It's very confusing at this point. But not in the way that you're probably thinking. I don't want to start a new relationship or end the current one I have with F. I just don't know what's going on in my head these days that's all. I'm just really starting to wonder about the whole shooting match to be honest. But I still can't get that Freudian slip out of my head. If I just knew what it meant then I could deal with it. I could deal with the possible repurcussions if it meant one thing, or I could do with the potential disappointment if it meant something else. I don't think that there is ever a way that I could ever ask Geek if it meant something. There is just no way possible. But I don't know how I'm going to ever get my internal dialouge track repaired unless I do. I don't know what to think, how to wrest my thoughts away from this impossible idea, how to do anything at this point.
I'm probably making this sound more urgent than it really is. But it's one of those pesky parts of being female.. or at least it is for me. I'm always trying to make something out of nothing it seems like. It's my trap I suppose. Either that or I've been lied to my entire life, which is certainly a possibility but I somehow doubt it at this stage of the game. I just want to know what's going on I suppose. I want to know if I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill again. But then again, what if I'm not?